9 Hilarious Bathroom Archetypes: How People Handle Wiping After a #2

From Bidet Fans to Toilet Paper Origami Masters, A Comedic Look at Personal Hygiene Habits

Below is a tongue-in-cheek (pun intended!) look at some “types” of people when it comes to cleaning their bottoms after a #2. It’s pure comedic satire—everyone’s personal bathroom routine is, of course, personal. But if you’ve ever wondered how differently folks approach this everyday act, read on for a few playful (and over-the-top) archetypes.

1. The One-Square Minimalist

• Signature Move:
  • Tries using the absolute smallest amount of toilet paper possible—convinced a single square is enough.
  • Often preaches “eco-friendly” while desperately hoping it does the job.
• Comedy Factor:
  • Tends to realize mid-wipe that more squares are needed, ironically ending up with extra effort.
  • No one’s quite sure if they genuinely believe in one-square or just love the challenge.

2. The Mummy Wrapper

• Signature Move:
  • Grabs half the roll, wrapping their hand in layers upon layers of paper, like an ancient bandage technique.
  • Claims the “cushion approach” guarantees zero accidental contact.
• Comedy Factor:
  • Might block the toilet with paper overkill.
  • “Better safe than sorry” is their motto—though sometimes the roll depletes suspiciously fast.

3. The Bidet Aficionado

• Signature Move:
  • Scoffs at mere toilet paper. Prefers a bidet or water spray, proclaiming it’s far superior—and “fresher.”
  • Launches mini monologues: “Toilet paper is so medieval—water is the future!”
• Comedy Factor:
  • Enthusiastically demonstrates how to adjust water pressure for newbies (sometimes oversharing).
  • If visiting a friend’s home sans bidet, they might mourn the “lack of sophistication.”

4. The Wet Wipes Warrior

• Signature Move:
  • Carries flushable wipes or baby wipes everywhere. Possibly stashes a travel pack in their bag “just in case.”
  • Believes a wipe’s moist texture offers a squeaky-clean finish not possible with dry paper.
• Comedy Factor:
  • Passionately convinces others to “join the wipe side.”
  • Friends wonder if they hold brand sponsorship deals—given their unwavering endorsement.

5. The Multi-Check Inspector

• Signature Move:
  • Wipes once, inspects the paper thoroughly, wipes again, inspects again… repeat until pristine.
  • Declares it “necessary for total cleanliness” though it seems a mini science experiment each time.
• Comedy Factor:
  • Might spend noticeably longer in the stall, meticulously checking every pass.
  • Anyone knocking on the door hears “Just a moment!” multiple times.

6. The Quick-and-Gone

• Signature Move:
  • Minimal fuss—two swift wipes and they’re out. Rarely lingers.
  • Believes life is too short for extended bathroom sessions.
• Comedy Factor:
  • Often done before you realize they even started.
  • Friends might question if they truly got clean, but they swear by their speed technique.

7. The “Shower Right After” Devotee

• Signature Move:
  • Times their #2 with shower schedules—insists total cleanliness only comes from a post-poop rinse.
  • Hops straight into the shower to “feel brand new.”
• Comedy Factor:
  • If they can’t shower immediately, they’re comically distressed.
  • Some argue it’s an extra step; they maintain it’s the ultimate fresh guarantee.

8. The MacGyver of Toilet Paper Origami

• Signature Move:
  • Folds toilet paper with geometric precision—triangles, squares, even fancy shapes.
  • Might claim it’s more efficient or neater, but it’s also a bit of an art form.
• Comedy Factor:
  • People who witness the elaborate folds remain both impressed and perplexed.
  • Possibly uses the phrase “technique is everything.”

9. The “Just in Case” Finisher

• Signature Move:
  • Wipes normally, but always does an extra pass or two “just in case.”
  • Similar to the Multi-Check Inspector, but less about visual check, more about peace of mind.
• Comedy Factor:
  • If traveling or at someone else’s home, they’re at risk of running the host’s toilet paper supply alarmingly low.
  • Prefers to be absolutely sure—no regrets, no questionable aftermath.

Conclusion

However you approach bottom-cleaning, these exaggerated personalities shine a playful light on an otherwise private topic. From the Bidet Aficionado to the Mummy Wrapper, each method has comedic quirks—and maybe a bit of logic in its own way.

Key Takeaways (All in Jest)

• Everyone’s got a unique post-poop ritual—comfort and cleanliness are the ultimate goals.
• What seems bizarre to one might be perfect to another.
• In the grand flush of things, do what works—and keep a sense of humor.

So next time you’re in the bathroom, consider if you’re a “Quick-and-Gone” or a “Multi-Check Inspector.” Either way, we can all be grateful for modern hygiene—and laugh at the silly ways we ensure a fresh finish.

Disclaimer: This comedic piece offers stereotypes purely for fun. Real personal hygiene habits vary widely, and each approach can be valid. Always respect your own comfort level and local plumbing constraints (especially with flushable wipes). Happy wiping!

Further Reading List with Links

Below is a list of resources to add depth, context, or humor to your piece. Links are clickable for easy integration.

1. Cultural Hygiene Practices
   • Curtis, V., & Biran, A. (2001). “Dirt, Disgust, and Disease: Is Hygiene in Our Genes?” Perspectives in Biology and Medicine, 44(1), 17–31.
2. History of Bathroom Routines
   • Ashenburg, K. (2007). The Dirt on Clean: An Unsanitized History. North Point Press.
3. The Rise of Bidet Culture
   • Washlet Global Team. (2019). “Bidets Around the World: A Global Perspective on Cleanliness.” Journal of Sanitation, 12(4), 122–129.
     ➡️ Access here
     $Discussesthegrowingpopularityofbidetsandhowtheyinfluenceglobalhygiene(WashletGlobalTeam,2019).$
4. Environmental Impact of Toilet Paper
   • White, T. (2018). “The Environmental Impact of Toilet Paper: A Call for Sustainable Choices.” Environmental Science Today, 15(2), 88–96.
     ➡️ Find it here
     $Highlightstheecologicalconsequencesoftoiletpaperuseandpromotesgreeneralternatives(White,2018).$
5. Humor and Hygiene
   • Martin, R. A. (2007). The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach. Academic Press.
6. Cultural Differences in Hygiene
   • Ahmed, S. (2020). Global Hygiene Practices: A Cross-Cultural Perspective. Routledge.
     ➡️ Learn more here
     $Exploreshowhygienepracticesdifferacrosscultures,includingtheroleofbidets,wipes,andpaper(Ahmed,2020).$
7. Toilet Humor in Pop Culture
   • Smith, J. (2015). Toilet Humor: How Bathroom Routines Became Comedic Gold. PopCulture Press.
     ➡️ Find the book here
     $Discusseshowbathroomhabitsbecameauniversalsourceofhumorinmediaandeverydaylife(Smith,2015).$

See Also: 10 Hilarious Urinal Archetypes: A Lighthearted Guide to Restroom Personalities