Before his plan to colonize Mars, Elon Musk has already electrified cars, shot rockets into space, and made a bunch of boomers on Wall Street cry over Dogecoin. But let’s be honest—getting to Mars might be the easy part. The real challenge? Dealing with all the Earth-bound nonsense along the way. In the spirit of being brutally honest, here’s a non-woke, Musk-approved, no-holds-barred guide to making Mars happen, complete with the insanity he’ll face on this godforsaken rock called Earth.
Step 1: Ignore the Bureaucrats
You can almost hear it now: “But Elon, did you file the proper interplanetary travel forms? Have you considered the feelings of the aliens?” NASA spent decades building paperwork while Musk spent decades building rockets. If bureaucrats ran SpaceX, they’d still be debating the color of the launchpad.
Solution: Musk just needs to do what he does best—launch first, apologize later. Let the bureaucrats file complaints while Starship heads to Mars with a middle finger painted on the hull.
Step 2: Deal with the Green Warriors
Nothing says “you’re saving the planet” like being yelled at by eco-activists for not doing it their way. Musk is building solar farms, electric cars, and batteries that could power a small country, but somewhere, someone will say, “What about the cobalt mines, Elon?”
Solution: Build a cobalt-free battery, then strap it to the roof of a Tesla Cybertruck and park it outside their protest. Bonus points if the truck blasts “Don’t Stop Me Now” on repeat.
Step 3: Handle the Billionaire Haters
Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates have their knives out. Bezos is trying to sue SpaceX into oblivion, and Gates keeps sniping about Musk’s philanthropic efforts. As if running the most ambitious space company in history isn’t enough charity for humanity.
Solution: Musk could settle this once and for all with a billionaire cage fight in zero-G. Bezos can bring his cowboy hat; Musk will bring his flamethrower. Winner gets Mars.
Step 4: Survive the Twitter Mobs
Every time Musk tweets something, Twitter erupts like a kindergarten class that just discovered markers. Whether it’s a meme about Dogecoin or a joke about the SEC, the mobs always find a way to get offended.
Solution: Keep trolling. Musk doesn’t just tweet; he weaponizes sarcasm. Next time, tweet a poll asking whether humanity should colonize Mars or just leave Earth to the influencers.
Step 5: Avoid Turning Mars Into Earth 2.0
Let’s be real: if Earth collapses, it won’t be because of climate change or asteroids. It’ll be because Karen couldn’t charge her electric SUV fast enough and Chad needed his oat milk latte right now. Colonizing Mars isn’t just about surviving—it’s about keeping the worst parts of Earth out.
Solution: Institute a “No Influencers” policy on Mars. If your job title includes “lifestyle” or “content creator,” you stay on Earth. Mars is for people who can build a habitat, not a TikTok dance.
Step 6: Teach the Flat Earthers What a Sphere Looks Like
Flat Earthers are already losing sleep over SpaceX. They’ll probably claim that Mars is just a big red CGI set made by Musk and Hollywood. Who cares if the man sent a Tesla Roadster into space—they’ll say it’s “fake news.”
Solution: Offer free tickets to Mars for every flat Earther. Once they’re in space and staring at the big blue sphere behind them, Musk can say, “Told you so.”
Step 7: Get to Mars Before the Politicians Ruin It
If there’s one universal truth, it’s that politicians can ruin literally anything. Give them enough time, and they’ll turn Mars into a bureaucratic nightmare with taxes on space dust and Martian permit fees.
Solution: Make Mars a Muskocracy. Sure, democracy is great, but do we really need interplanetary committees? Let Musk rule Mars with an iron flamethrower. At least things will get done.
Final Thoughts: Why Mars Is Better Than Earth
Earth has Twitter mobs, celebrity feuds, and people who think the moon landing was fake. Mars? Mars has potential. No bureaucrats, no taxes (yet), and no one screaming about canceling you because you named a rocket “Big F***ing Rocket.” It’s the perfect blank slate.
Elon, if you’re reading this: forget the nonsense, fire up the Starship, and take humanity’s best and brightest to Mars. And if there’s room for one more? Don’t forget the flamethrower. You’re going to need it.
See Also: If Elon Musk’s Tweets Were Completely Unhinged (Parody Edition)
