Caregiving can begin with one event and quietly rearrange everything else.
In this episode of Peek Inside, Arky Jones speaks with Lisa Berlanga about the six-year journey that began after her mother had a stroke and was then diagnosed with dementia. Berlanga describes the shift as being thrown into a tornado: her personal life stopped, sleep disappeared, resentment grew and she found herself constantly solving new problems as they appeared.
That experience eventually led her to write Confessions of a Caregiver: In the Raw, a book she says was created not simply to tell her story, but to talk about the parts of caregiving that are often left out of more polished discussions.
The Grief Nobody Warns Caregivers About
One of the strongest parts of the conversation comes when Berlanga talks about grief.
Arky asks whether she was mourning the life she had before caregiving. Berlanga agrees, but adds another layer: she was also grieving her mother while her mother was still physically present.
The emotional turning point came when her mother no longer recognised her. Berlanga describes the moment as devastating, especially because her mother had been her only parent for most of her life. She remembers sitting at the kitchen table afterwards and asking herself how she was going to continue.
What followed was not a sudden solution so much as a change in perspective. Berlanga began thinking about what her mother was still able to experience rather than only what had been lost. She came to see moments of peace, familiar television, a comfortable room and simply being cared for as meaningful in themselves.
Arky challenges that shift by framing caregiving as a load that Berlanga chose to keep carrying, even though much of the situation had originally been forced upon her. Their exchange raises a difficult question: where does duty end and personal choice begin?
Sleep Deprivation, Anger and the Reality of Dementia Care
The episode does not romanticise caregiving.
Berlanga speaks openly about anger, resentment, isolation and prolonged sleep deprivation. She describes periods of sundowning when her mother could remain awake through much of the night, repeatedly calling for her while the rest of the household slept.
There is also humour in the chaos. Arky asks for a moment that felt unbearable at the time but became funny in hindsight. Berlanga recalls being repeatedly summoned in the middle of the night to inspect a dog that appeared to be doing absolutely nothing. Later, a well-intentioned pet bird introduced its own layer of absurdity by repeating the same phrases and eventually imitating household noises.
Those stories matter because they keep the conversation human. The experience is painful, but it is not presented as one continuous tragedy. Frustration, affection, grief and humour sit next to each other.
Caregiving, the Sandwich Generation and Learning to Play the Hand You’re Dealt
Towards the end of the episode, Berlanga turns towards the practical side of caregiving.
She describes the pressure faced by people caught between ageing parents, children, work and financial limitations — the so-called sandwich generation. In her view, many family members underestimate what they are taking on because caregiving looks like “helping” until it becomes a full-time responsibility.
Arky pushes the conversation into a broader social question. Should caring for ageing relatives be treated as an expectation, a moral duty or a personal choice? He contrasts cultures where family care is assumed with more individualistic approaches and asks what societies may need to reconsider as populations age.
Berlanga’s own answer is practical rather than ideological. She uses a poker metaphor: people cannot always choose the cards they receive, but they can learn how to play the hand. Her current goal is to develop resources that help caregivers become more organised, make better use of what they have and avoid feeling completely consumed by the role.
The full conversation is candid, emotional and occasionally very funny. It offers no simple formula for dementia caregiving, but it does explore the questions many families eventually face: how much can one person carry, how does identity change when caregiving takes over, and how can someone continue showing up without losing themselves entirely?
Watch the full conversation on Peek Inside:
See Also: Building Confidence Through Adversity with Arky Jones and Steve Barton
Looking to connect with great podcast hosts and guests? Join PodMatch and start finding meaningful podcast opportunities here: https://www.joinpodmatch.com/arkyjones
