Official Government Guide to the Safe Operation of Goon Bags and Hills Hoists

Introduction

The Department of Recreational Affairs and Beverage Safety (DRABS) recognizes the cultural significance of the goon bag and its accompanying recreational activities, including the iconic Goon of Fortune. This guide provides a comprehensive overview of the safe and appropriate use of goon bags and Hills Hoists, ensuring that participants engage responsibly and with proper etiquette.

Failure to comply with these guidelines may result in personal embarrassment, neighborhood disputes, or, in extreme cases, severe hangovers.

Section 1: Goon Bag Overview

A goon bag, also known as a wine cask bladder, is a flexible, silver pouch designed to store and dispense affordable boxed wine. While its primary function is the consumption of wine, the goon bag serves additional recreational purposes, such as:

• Acting as a centerpiece for Goon of Fortune.
• Being repurposed for creative activities (e.g., pillow or floatation device).

WARNING: Goon bags are not to be used as parachutes, water balloons, or life jackets under any circumstances.

Section 2: The Hills Hoist – A National Treasure

The Hills Hoist is an Australian rotary clothesline frequently used in outdoor drinking games. While the Hills Hoist was not explicitly designed for spinning goon bags, its robust structure and rotational capability make it ideal for recreational adaptations.

IMPORTANT: Ensure the Hills Hoist is properly anchored before attaching goon bags. Damage to the hoist due to improper use is not covered by any warranties or local council repair schemes.

Section 3: Goon of Fortune – Operational Protocols

3.1 Setup

1. Attach the goon bag securely to the end of a Hills Hoist arm using string or zip ties.
2. Clear the area of obstacles, breakable items, and impressionable children.
3. Ensure all participants are of legal drinking age and sufficiently hydrated (with water, not wine).

3.2 Gameplay

1. Spin the Hills Hoist with a moderate force. Excessive spinning may result in centrifugal accidents or projectile wine bladders.
2. The participant standing where the goon bag stops must take a designated sip of the wine.
   • Note: Sip sizes are to remain reasonable. Excessive consumption may result in “falling over your own shoelaces syndrome.”
3. Continue in a clockwise or counterclockwise direction until the wine runs out or participants lose interest.

3.3 Etiquette

• Do not intentionally stop the goon bag in front of yourself repeatedly; this is unsportsmanlike behavior.
• Respect the Hills Hoist. Do not climb, hang from, or swing on it unless you wish to have a stern conversation with your landlord.
• If the wine tastes suspicious, switch to water and reconsider your life choices.

Section 4: Health and Safety Guidelines

4.1 Responsible Consumption

• Participants are advised to alternate goon with water to avoid dehydration and regretful karaoke sessions.
• Avoid consuming an entire goon bag solo unless you are actively seeking a three-day recovery period.

4.2 Injury Prevention

• Do not stand directly under a spinning goon bag. The combination of velocity and low-grade wine can be hazardous to your dignity.
• Inspect the Hills Hoist for rust or structural weakness before use. If it wobbles, abort mission immediately.

4.3 Noise Complaints

• Keep noise levels within acceptable limits. Neighbors are unlikely to appreciate off-key renditions of “Khe Sanh” after midnight.
• If approached by law enforcement, offer them a sausage from the BBQ and remain polite. Do not invite them to join the game.

Section 5: Environmental Considerations

• Dispose of empty goon bags responsibly. Inflating them and leaving them to float in public waterways is strictly prohibited.
• Recycle cardboard wine boxes where facilities exist. Failure to do so may result in stern looks from environmentally conscious friends.

Section 6: Advanced Techniques (For Experienced Operators Only)

6.1 The Double Goon Spin

Attach two goon bags to opposite arms of the Hills Hoist for increased challenge. Ensure all participants are prepared for rapid decision-making and potential spills.

6.2 Themed Goon Nights

Pair specific goon bag varieties (e.g., fruity lexia, soft white) with regional snacks or costumes for a more refined experience. “Refined” is relative in this context.

Section 7: Enforcement and Penalties

Failure to adhere to these guidelines may result in:

• Revocation of “Aussie Legend” status.
• Confiscation of the goon bag by concerned relatives.
• A mandatory one-week Hills Hoist ban.

Conclusion

The goon bag and Hills Hoist are quintessentially Australian icons, and their recreational use should be approached with respect, humor, and caution. By following this guide, you’ll ensure a safe and enjoyable experience for all participants while preserving the cultural legacy of goon-based activities for future generations.

Remember: Drink responsibly, spin wisely, and never underestimate the centrifugal force of a fully loaded Hills Hoist.

Issued by:
The Department of Recreational Affairs and Beverage Safety (DRABS)
Date: December 2024

Disclaimer: No Hills Hoists or goon bags were harmed in the drafting of this document.

See Also: Goon Bags: The Greatest Invention in Australian Drinking History